Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
