woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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