the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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