five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize