my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
