$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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