The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wish there were birth control emojis
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
