he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
