hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He? As in you personified your dick?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize