He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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