Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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