in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
