somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
