First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
