Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
