i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
