I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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