I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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