is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
