Soap is not a condiment
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
