Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
