I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i've created a new STD.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
