I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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