Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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