Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
