I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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