we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
