Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
