Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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