So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
