Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
