I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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