i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
