Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
