he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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