she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
