Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
