I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
