I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
