Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
