the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
