I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
