I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
