____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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