So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
