Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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