Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize