the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
