how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I looked at my own cervix.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
