her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
