Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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