please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
