I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
