I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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