forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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