I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
