I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
