y did u give ur computer a hand job?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
