The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
