the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
