Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
