I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
