I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
